


Demon

by Flabbyknight



Category: Naruto
Genre: Cannibalism, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 14:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20893250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flabbyknight/pseuds/Flabbyknight
Summary: My name is Naruto Uzumaki. My hobbies include proving I am not murderous cannibal, I dislike people who think I am murderous cannibal, I like people who don't think I am murderous cannibal, and my dream is to one day prove that I am not a murderous cannibal.





	1. Chapter 1

Naruto beamed with pride as he looked around his new apartment building. He had finally convinced the Old Man to let him move out of the orphanage and live on his own. The orphanage hadn't been that bad, but it had been weird. All of the staff always had a strange expression frozen on their faces when they looked at him and seemed to shake a lot. Naruto knew it was just him because when he asked the other kids about it, they told him, "Yeah, they only do that when you're around." Since the staff was afraid of him, he decided to ask the Old Man to move out. He felt bad for the adults; nobody should live in constant fear like that.

Naruto opened his fridge and noticed that the Old Man forgot to stock it. He could ask him to get the food, but he was six years old and wasn’t a kid anymore. Naruto grabbed Gama-chan and headed out to the nearest grocery store. He bounced into the store and said, "Hi. Do you have any ram-"

The shopkeeper screamed and prostrated himself on the floor before Naruto. "Please don't eat me, Uzumaki-sama! I am boney and gamey. My wife and children are much more tender and succulent; eat them instead!"

"I... uh... what? I just wanted some ramen?" Naruto said, confused.

"Take it! Take all of it for free! Just spare me your wrath!" the shopkeeper begged.

Naruto shrugged and grabbed a crate of instant ramen before heading out. _'That sure was nice of him,'_ he thought. _'Also weird, but nice.'_

…

Ever since Naruto moved out of the orphanage, he had begun to notice that all of the adults seemed to be terrified of him. For instance, one time, he accidentally bumped into an adult, and the man turned to apologize. However, when he saw it was

Naruto, he immediately turned back around and ran away, screaming, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

When he asked the Old Man about what had happened, the Old Man just facepalmed and said, "Don't worry about it, Naruto. People are idiots sometimes."

But it still bugged Naruto. He had never eaten anybody before, so why did everyone think he was going to do it now?! It was so unfair. At least the other children were friendly enough, and they thought it was pretty cool that he could make adults do whatever he said. Still, Naruto needed to do something about his reputation as a cannibal. One day, as he was walking through the market, he spotted an orange jumpsuit, and he thought of the perfect plan. If he dressed in warm, friendly colors, that would put people at ease, right?

…

"Did you see that the Nine-Tails changed his wardrobe? What do you think he is trying to tell us?"

"Well, you know how the brightest colored creatures in nature are the deadliest? He must be trying to warn us that he is not to be trifled with."

"Also, now that I think about it isn't he dressing in the same color as his fur?"

"Oh, God. He must still have his full power and is letting us know that he could crush us all at any moment!"

…

When the Old Man asked if he wanted to join the Ninja Academy, Naruto jumped at the chance. The ninja forces of the Leaf were meant to defend and protect the Leaf villagers, so maybe if he joined, that would convince the others of his good intentions. However, when roll call came on the first day of class, Naruto got overexcited and yelled out his name, causing the Chunin instructor to let out a scream of fright and poop his pants. Later that same day, he overheard two teachers whispering to each other about him.

"-learning to kill us all!"

"Quiet! He might hear you."

_Aw man..._ People thought he was learning to be a ninja so he could eat people. Maybe if he did really badly in classes, people would stop worrying?

…

"Okay, no one can possibly be _this_ bad at being a ninja. I think the Nine-Tails is messing with us."

"But why would he choose to do badly? Shouldn't he be showing us that we mortals do not hold a candle to his might, or something along those lines?"

"Maybe he's saying that he doesn't _need_ our pathetic ninja techniques to destroy us. He has all the skill and power he needs to do that already."

"Oh, God."

…

Naruto fumed. His plan to do some practical jokes backfired spectacularly. He saw some kids do it earlier during the academic year, and it had made everybody laugh. Even though the teacher had scolded and punished the culprit, you could tell that they had been amused as well. So he thought, 'Hey, it worked for them, it should work for me,' like an idiot. If anything, people were _more_ terrified of him than ever. One of the teachers had started to openly cry whenever he saw Naruto, and the villagers now made sure to leave ten feet of space between him and them.

He just didn't understand what he was doing wrong.

…

"Somebody must have offended the Nine-Tails! Who was foolish enough to provoke it!?

Everybody knows that kitsune play tricks on people who wrong them!"

"I say we find the asshole that did it and beat that fucker to death!"

"Yeah!"

…

After failing to get the Old Man to tell him why everybody thought he was a murderous cannibal again, Naruto decided it was time to hatch a new scheme. Everybody liked and respected the Old Man, so if he modeled himself after him, they should like him too. Step one was to let everyone know that he was planning on becoming the Hokage. This had to work! It had to!

…

"Did you hear?! The Nine-Tails wishes to rule us all with an iron fist."

"Well, I for one welcome our new fox overlord."

…

My name is Naruto Uzumaki. My hobbies include proving that I am not a murderous cannibal, I dislike people who think I am murderous cannibal, I like people who don't think I am a murderous cannibal, and my dream is to one day prove that I am not a murderous cannibal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought it was weird that the villagers would go out of their way to provoke a demon that could maybe one day kill them all. I think this is a far more likely scenario.


	2. Chapter 2

"All I that am saying Naruto, is that maybe you shouldn't have attacked that missing-nin with your teeth. This is probably why people think that you like to kill and eat people," said Sakura.

Naruto pouted. "I didn't mean to Sakura-chan! But when I thought Sasuke was dead, I was just so angry and hungry!"

"Naruto, the sight of your dead teammates, should not be making you hungry," deadpanned Kakashi.

Sasuke gave Naruto a perturbed look. "Please make sure that I am actually dead before you eat my corpse. Okay?"

"I don't eat people, damn it!" screamed Naruto.

"Apparently, you do. You took off half that poor mist ninja's face and swallowed it. He was so scared he pooped his pants. It was really gross," countered Sakura, who looked queasy just thinking about it.

Naruto started to slam his head repeatedly into a nearby tree.

…

"Did you hear that the Nine-Tails went out on its first C-rank and ate the Demon of Mist?!"

"That isn't all that he did! I heard he devoured all of Gato corp as well and demanded that Wave build a bridge for him, or he would eat them as well!"

…

"You should just give up; this fight is over. I have won as fate has decreed," said Neji with a smirk.

Naruto glared at Neji. The bastard had cut off all of his chakra, but he was not giving up without a fight. He reached deep within himself and found a surge of energy. Chakra flooded his system. Unfortunately, so did rage and the desire to eat. "I am going to eat your pretty-boy face!" snarled Naruto and lunged at him.

"Oh god, we're all gonna die!" screamed somebody from the crowd. The villagers stampeded towards the exits, abandoning their children to their bloody fates and leaving the various foreigners in the stands confused.

Neji struck out at Naruto, but Naruto ignored the blows and pinned him to the ground. Neji stared up into the snarling visage before him and knew that he was going to die. He pooped himself. "I give up! I give up!" he screamed with tears in his eyes.

"Winner Nin- I mean, Naruto," said the proctor shakily. The proctor had pressed himself against the wall of the arena, hoping that he would not get between the Nine-Tails and its target.

Naruto got up off of Neji and looked around at the now mostly empty seats. "I... I wasn't _really_ going to eat him," he said, rubbing the back of his head and laughing nervously. Neji lay on the ground in a fetal position, rocking back and forth and crying to himself.

"Of course you weren't Uzumaki-sama. We all believe you, so please don't eat us," said the poor proctor.

"I don't eat people, damn it!" yelled Naruto.

"Tell that to poor Haku!" called out Sakura.

"That only happened one-time, Sakura-chan! _One time!"_ he protested.

…

"It was terrifying. He ate that poor Hyuuga girl, Nija, or something!"

"Eh, she had it coming; she was kind of a bitch, really. Seriously, who is dumb enough to pick a fight with the Nine-Tails?"

"See, honey? This is why I told you always to be polite to the Nine-Tails."

…

Naruto needed to stop Shukaku from destroying his village, but he was running low on chakra, and his legs were bound by sand. There was nothing he could do!

...Well, there was _one_ thing. With trepidation, he reached deep into himself and pulled on the red chakra.

"I am going to devour you, you stupid raccoon!" Naruto screamed as he tore through the sand. He was about to reach Gaara when he was bound with sand once more. Naruto pulled against his bonds with all his might. He lunged his head forward and bit off Gaara's nose before swallowing it.

Shukaku collapsed, causing Naruto and Gaara to fall to the ground. Gaara watched in horror as Naruto crawled towards him, chanting, "Gonna eat ya. Gonna eat ya. Gonna eat ya." Gaara knew at that moment that he was going to die, so he pooped his pants and fainted. As Naruto watched

Gaara's siblings grab Gaara and run away, screaming about how they wouldn't let him eat their little brother, he came back to his senses. He mumbled to himself, "I don't eat people damn it," and passed out.

…

"Did you see the Nine-Tails release its true form?! Could it do that the whole time?!"

"You know, now that the Third is gone, we need a new Hokage..."

"Are you serious?!"

"Hey, do _you_ want to tell the fifty-foot tall fox demon that he can't be Hokage?"

"...Point."

…

Naruto looked around his new office with a bittersweet feeling. He had gotten what he wanted and became the Hokage, but the Old Man was dead and could never see it. With a sigh, he started to flip through mounds of paperwork. Why did he think this was a good idea again?

...Well, the village put him in charge, meaning that they trusted him enough not to eat people, so that was something. As he finished another pile of paperwork, he moved on to the new Sand bingo book. He flipped through the pages until he reached his entry. _"Motherfucker!"_

…

Name: Naruto 'The Cannibal' Uzumaki

Age: 12

Village: Leaf

Rank: S

Bounty: 200,000,000 ryu

Biography: Despite his rank of genin, the Cannibal is nothing to be trifled with. He has so far been known to have killed and eaten Zabuza Momochi of Mist and Gato of Gato Corp. He was also seen fighting the One-Tailed demon by himself and winning. It is assumed that he has many more victims but that the bodies were never found since he ate them. He has recently been made the Kage of-

…

"I don't eat people, damn it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kurama thought it was funny to make Naruto desire human flesh when using his chakra.


End file.
